After the explosions that took place at the Boston Marathon on Monday, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick briefed the press with information about the happenings. When he opened up the floor for questions, one attendee promptly blurted out the following nonsense:
If you couldn’t totally make out what was said, or were simply so stunned by stupidity that your brain refused to register the words, here’s a transcription for you: “Why were the loud speakers telling people in the audience to be calm moments before the bomb went off? Is this another false flag staged attack to take our civil liberties and promote Homeland Security sticking their hands down our pants on the street?”
This gets dumber, sadly, but first: Deval Patrick has ice water in his veins. He delivers a cold “No.” which grammatically should not have a period after it because I’m still taking about it in the same sentence but I am breaking the rules for it because that is how definite that answer was. I know we definitely shouldn’t make long term political decisions based on solitary moments that say nothing about a person’s beliefs or convictions, but I would vote for Deval Patrick. As much as I wish he would have sarcastically replied, “You got us! Thought we’d get away with it this time,” that stern “no” that reads closer to a “fuck you” serves just fine.
Ok, on to the dumbness. That “false flag” question wasn’t just posed to the Governor. (If you’re wondering what a false flag is, in this context it’s an attack orchestrated by the government and disguised as a terrorist attack, perpetrated in hopes of pushing an agenda or expanding power. The Atlantic has a piece up about it.) It was actually asked of Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis in an almost equally appalling way.
The question starts at around the 0:58 mark, though the start is a bit muddled, it isn’t hard to make out the thundering denseness in the voice of the, uh, reporter from the previous clip. Transcribed, the question reads: “They said they were doing drills this morning for the same exact thing that happened according to BostonGlobe.com. Now where you’s guys given any warning ahead of time of this taking place?”
Again, the answer is no, though Mr. Davis navigates it with slightly less bluntness than Governor Patrick.
It’s surprising that the questioner was able to spew his brain-ache inducing question on multiple occasions. Conspiracy theories are all well and good, but it’s not too often one presents itself so publicly and so immediately. I mean, who would bother to ask about an inside job while first responders are still on the scene, saving as many lives as possible and doing everything short of working miracles with limited supplies and information?
Luckily, we know exactly who would do such a thing: Dan Bidondi, “correspondent” for Alex Jones’ Infowars.com. Name not ringing a bell? Congratulations! You’ve never been exposed to the journalistic equivalent to the Not too surprising given that he works for the guy most famous for being a professional lunatic. Not to discredit Alex Jones or his company entirely because I’m sure there are kernels of truth somewhere within his tirades, but being right–which he rarely is–doesn’t make him any less crazy. You’re likely not a crazy person, so why would you have heard of a correspondent to a crazy person? You wouldn’t.
But maybe you do know Dan Bidondi, “27x Professional Wrestling Champion.” I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh, you meant Bionic Dan Bidondi? Then of course I know him!” Or you’re not thinking that at all because you’ve integrated yourself as a functioning member or society and still have no clue who Dan Bidondi is. Well, it’s time to get familiar. You can start your journey at Bidondi’s website. Hosted by Angelfire, the most popular choice for web hosting amongst people with an affinity for digital glitter graphics and traffic hit counters, Bidondi has secured a URL that is uniquely him. “angelfire.com/wrestling3/all_american/.” Not only is he all about wrestling, but he’s a 100% pure-blooded American. Also, the number three, which I’m sure was chosen for a very important reason and was not at all done because someone else had registered “wrestling” and “wrestling2.”
Bidondi is a part of nine different wrestling federations and being crowned champion an impressive twenty -seven times. That feat that has earned him over 1,646 friends on Myspace which despite being updated as recently as 3/14/2013, still has graphics celebrating the “1998 World Champions” Chicago Bulls. And it’s clear wrestling is important to Bidondi as it finishes third on his interests listed on Myspace, finishing behind just God and family, but beating out friends and ghost hunting.
You would think with all that attention Bidondi has to give to his leotard, he’d have a hard time not only being informed enough about a subject to act as an effective reporter, but also be available on a regular basis to cover breaking events. Turns out, no. He’s actually got all the time in the world to make a complete ass of himself and information does not particularly concern him. As long as he can shout “Infowars.com” before his question and follow it up with something resembling a complete sentence, he’s done his job. There might not be many skills that cross over between professional wrestler and journalist, but it’s nice Bidondi can make believe he’s both.